I am writing this letter to thank you for shouting so loudly in my ear I was left with a headache for the rest of the day.
It was quite thoughtful and generous of you to swear at me and abuse me because you made a mistake.
You were in the right to call screaming like a banshee from the word go, before I even had the chance to open my mouth and apologise for the mistake you made. You are a brave heart and deserve a medal for your chivalry.
It was selfish of me to try and explain it to you in plain English that a 3 year old could understand, and you were within your rights to fly into a rage when you still couldn't understand it after 4 calm explanations.
After all, the hundreds of thousands of previous customers who have all understood the same thing were of super human intelligence, your lack of understanding was due to the fact that you are a mere mortal rather than a superhero with an IQ of 2000 like the rest of our customers.
I would like to express my gratitude to you for the way you maliciously called back and told my boss that I was "taking the P*** out of you" because you couldn't understand the most simple element of our service.
My offer to Email some instructions were out-of-order, how *** of me to think outside the box and offer you some extra assistance. I must be the worst customer service agent you have ever dealt with. I apologise for this.
I would also like to thank you for fabricating a story making yourself look like a victim, even though it was you who kept interrupting me every time I opened my mouth, you who was making threats - I really enjoyed being called a "*** F*****g C**t"
How silly of me to not know the question you were going to ask next whilst in the middle of answering the previous one.
I also liked the way you asked me if I could understand "F***ng English" when I asked you if you were saying F for Foxtrot or S for Sierra - I should have understood you the first time you mumbled it through that mouthful of food you were chewing on.
It was very creative of you to lie about the incident to my boss for the sake of a few quid; I hope that the Â£4.99 you gained from your lies brings you happiness and joy that is clearly missing from your miserable life.
I would also like to thank you for the way that you then went on to fabricate your story on the internet - rather then telling it how it actually was, you embellished your story - perhaps if enough people reply you will start believing it yourself - that makes it true doesn't it?
I would also like to thank you for the stream of emails you sent us, all written in capital letters, peppered with spelling mistakes, not explaining what you wanted - demanding a reply. We love being told in such colourful language just what you think of us - it was so generous of you to put these feelings in writing.
How wrong it was of us to tell you that it is unacceptable to write to us in such a manner - we should have taken it on the chin and replied telling you how wonderful and clever you are and offered you some roses and a foot massage.
I hope that you remain a customer for many years to come. I look forward to your next angry call or Email, perhaps you can get someone to wind you up beforehand again, so you are really peeved off when you call - then you can use all that testicular fortitude of yours to really take it out on me, then blame the fact you were screaming at me on the "temporary deafness" you claim to suffer from.
I wish you well in your life -and pity you for having to deal with me - after all I am a ***, flotsam, piece of *** who deserves to be spoken to like something you just trod in, I am not a human, I am just a robot void of feelings and emotion who should be honoured to hear your whining voice in my ear. You are 100% right, the small amount of money you pay late every month really pays my wages - and doesn't cover the cost of your numerous calls to our 0800 free phone number at all.
Take Care Mr.Angry, I really really hope that no one ever treats you the way you treated me.